-Live from the Trump Hotel
in Washington, D.C. it’s the first annual
Fake News Awards. Now, here’s your host,
the world’s most stable genius, President Donald J. Trump! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. Fake, fake, fake,
definitely fake, loser, fakest loser. Welcome to the Fake News Awards,
which are totally real, unlike the really fake news,
which is fake and not real. [ Laughter ]
For real. This is the first annual Fakies,
and thanks to my diet, it’s also the 30th annual
SAG Awards. [ Laughter ] I’d like to start by sending
my thoughts and prayers to Hawaii,
which is definitely not an s-hole country. It is a fantastic,
fantastic country. And I think I speak
for everyone when I say, I hope Moana is okay. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] It’s great to see you all. There are literally billions
of people here tonight — Billions. So many familiar faces
out there — Willem Dafoe, it’s fantastic to see you. Can you make the face
that every woman makes when I enter a room? That’s fantastic. Hugh Jackman is here.
I hated your movie. Everyone knows that I’m
“The Greatest Showman” on Earth. Tough crowd. It is a tough crowd. Anyways, seeing all of you and the rest of
lame-stream media here is fantastic.
I especially love your pins that say “Time’s Up”
because that’s what I said to all my cabinet members
after three days. [ Laughter ] Now, before we start,
I’d like to make a toast. Everyone, raise your glass
of Diet Coke. Here’s to you for being so fake. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Now, let’s give out
our first award. Isn’t it a beautiful award? [ Laughter ] Like all my products, it’s
covered in 100% real fake gold, and was made in China. Our first Fakie is for
Fakest Cable News Network, and the nominees are… …CNN. And the winner is… [ Laughter ] Who would’ve seen this coming?
…CNN! [ Cheers and applause ] CNN refused to be here tonight
to accept this award. So instead, I’m gonna roast
all their loser anchors. Jake Tapper?
More like Fake Tapper. Boom, roasted. Next. Wolf Blitzer?
Fake news, fake name, and let’s be honest,
probably a fake beard. Roasted. Next. Anderson Cooper,
who do you think you are, sexy Mike Pence? Roasted. [ Laughter ] Moving on, here now
to present the award for Failing-est Newspaper
is my beautiful wife, Melania and my incredibly intelligent
Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos. [ Cheers and applause ] -Don’t touch me
and don’t talk to me. [ Laughter ] -Melania, you look fantastic. -Thank you. This is my wedding dress. -Hi! I’m Betsy DeVos.
And I’m Melania Trump. How are you, Betsy?
I’m fine. How are you, Melania? Hmm, not so good. -What is wrong with you, Betsy?
You are reading my lines. My God, no wonder our kids
are such dumbasses in school. [ Laughter ] Okay.
So, the nominees for the Most Failing-est
Newspaper are… “The Washington Post”… -“New York Timmys.” -That’s the winner,
that’s the winner. The winner is the
failing “New York Times.” -I love “New York Times.” It’s fun to color in
the crossword puzzles. -All right.
Thank you very much. “New York Times” also refused
to be here tonight, so accepting on their behalf
is this trash can. Now…
[ Applause ] …it is time for
the “In Memoriam.” This is the part of the show
where we look back on all the people who are no longer
in the White House. -Oh, my dream come true.
-Someone cut her mic. Roll the tape. Roll the tape. [ Soothing music plays ] [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -What is this for?
Is this a tie holder? [ Laughter ] Oh, wow. A lot of people
have lost their jobs. But you know who
hasn’t lost their job? Me. Which is why
I’m awarding myself the Donald J. Trump
Lifetime Achievement Award for being President
of the United Shersh. [ Laughter ] Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe
this is happening! I really wasn’t
prepared for this. Uh — I’d like to thank,
quickly, Fox News, KFC, Diet Coke, golf,
McDonald’s, and Fox News. Thank me.
Thank me so much. I like me.
I really like me. If you’re watching,
go to bed, Eric! Ivanka, Don Jr.,
and girl Don Jr., it’s past your bedtime. -We’ll be right back
with the Fakies, featuring performances from
Jackie Evancho, 3 Doors Down, and a special duet from Jackie Evancho
and 3 Doors Down. [ Laughter ]