This Is Why Trump Doesn’t Do Solo Press Conferences


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO “THE
LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU GUYS– YOU
GUYS CHECK OUT THE INTERNET LATELY. I SAW THIS YESTERDAY. THERE’S THIS GREAT STORY ABOUT
A MOTH DRINKING SLEEPING BIRD’S TEARS.>>Jon: WOW!>>Stephen: WELL, THAT’S
TONIGHT’S TOP STORY. ( LAUGHTER )
NOTHING ELSE GOING ON. ( LAUGHTER )
GOD, I WISH I WAS THAT BIRD. ( LAUGHTER )
OR THAT MOTH. BECAUSE I’M ALL GOOD ON TEARS. OKAY, I LIED. THE TOP STORY IS STILL ABOUT
SUPREME COURT NOMINEE AND MAN COUNTING HIS ACCUSERS, BRETT
KAVANAUGH. ( LAUGHTER )
LET ME– LET ME– LET ME DO THIS QUICKLY AS I CAN, BECAUSE IT’S
IMPORTANT. BUT WE HAVE TO GET TO THE
PRESIDENT’S PRESS CONFERENCE, BECAUSE IT’S
UNBELIEVABLE. THIS MORNING, WE LEARNED NEW
ALLEGATIONS AGAINST KAVANAUGH FROM A WOMAN NAMED JULIE
SWETNICK, AND SHE SAYS THAT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, SHE “ATTENDED
“WELL OVER TEN” PARTIES WHERE KAVANAUGH WAS PRESENT AND SAW
HIM “DRINK EXCESSIVELY AT MANY OF THESE PARTIES AND ENGAGE IN
ABUSIVE AND PHYSICALLY AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR TOWARDS
GIRLS.” NOW, DO WE WANT SOMEONE ON THE
SUPREME COURT WHO TREATED WOMEN THIS WAY, EVEN IN HIGH SCHOOL?>>Audience: NO!>>Stephen: I’M NOT SURE WE
EVEN WANT SOMEONE WHO EVEN ATTENDED 10 PARTIES IN HIGH
SCHOOL. WE WANT NERDS, DAMMIT! BUT FROM THERE–
( APPLAUSE ) FROM THERE–
( APPLAUSE ) I GOTTA WARN YOU, I GOTTA WARN
YOU, SINCERELY, FROM THERE HER STATEMENT GETS EXTREMELY DARK. SHE SAYS THAT SHE WITNESSED
KAVANAUGH AND HIS FRIEND, MARK JUDGE, DOSE THE PUNCH AT
MULTIPLE PARTIES WITH WHAT SHE SUSPECTS WAS GRAIN ALCOHOL AND
QUALUUDES, SO THAT THE GIRLS COULD BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED BY
MULTIPLE BOYS. AND SHE SAYS THAT “IN
APPROXIMATELY 1982, I BECAME THE VICTIM.” ALL OF THAT IS, OF COURSE,
HORRIFYING TO CONTEMPLATE. KAVANAUGH HAS RESPONDED TO THE
ALLEGATIONS IN A STATEMENT, SAYING, “THIS IS RIDICULOUS AND
FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE, AND I DON’T KNOW WHO THIS IS.>>
FIRST OF ALL, LET’S NOT MALIGN THE GOOD NAME OF “THE TWILIGHT
ZONE”! AVAILABLE NOW ON CBS ALL ACCESS! $9.99 A MONTH, NO COMMERCIALS. SECOND, HE MIGHT CLAIM TO NOT
KNOW HER, BUT SHE SEEMS TO KNOW HIM. IN HER STATEMENT, SWETNICK SAYS
SHE “ALSO WITNESSED SUCH CONDUCT ON ONE OCCASION IN OCEAN CITY,
MARYLAND, DURING ‘BEACH WEEK.'” NOW, WE DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THERE
WAS SOMETHING CALLED “BEACH WEEK.” I SUPPOSE WE COULD LOOK AT THE
1982 CALENDAR KAVANAUGH SMITTY TO SEE– OKAY, THERE YOU
GO. THERE IS– WOW, WOW, AIN’T THAT
A BEACH. SO SWETNICK MADE THIS SWORN
STATEMENT UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY. KAVANAUGH, ON THE OTHER HAND,
CATEGORICALLY DENIES IT, AND MANY OF HIS FRIENDS SAY THEY
HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS WOMAN IS. HOW DO YOU KNOW THE TRUTH? IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME BUREAU ON
THE FEDERAL LEVEL THAT COULD INVESTIGATE THINGS. A B.F.I., IF YOU WILL. ( LAUGHTER )
BY THE WAY, THE NEW HIT DRAMA, “F.B.I.,” ALSO AVAILABLE ON CBS
ALL ACCESS, FROM EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, WOLF DICK. ( APPLAUSE )
SO IT WAS AGAINST THIS BACKDROP THAT THE PRESIDENT DECIDED TO
CALL ONLY HIS FOURTH PRESS CONFERENCE SINCE BECOMING
PRESIDENT THIS AFTERNOON. IN FACT, WHEN I WALKED OUT HERE
TO DO THIS, IT WAS STILL GOING ON. HE WAS STILL TAKING QUESTIONS AS
I WALKED ON STAGE. HE STARTED BY DEFENDING WHY HE
DIDN’T CALL FOR AN F.B.I. INVESTIGATION INTO THE ACCUSERS’
CLAIMS.>>THE F.B.I. TOLD US THEY’VE
INVESTIGATED JUDGE KAVANAUGH SIX TIMES, FIVE TIMES– MANY TIMES
OVER THE YEARS. THEY KNOW HIM VERY WELL. BUT HERE THERE WAS NOTHING TO
INVESTIGATE FROM AT LEAST ONE STANDPOINT. THEY DIDN’T KNOW THE LOCATION. THEY DIDN’T KNOW THE TIME. THEY DIDN’T KNOW THE YEAR. THEY DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING. AND IT’S LIKE WHERE DO YOU GO?>>Stephen: YEAH. WHERE DO YOU GO? OTHER THAN TO ASK PEOPLE
QUESTIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
I’D LOVE TO SEE HOW DONALD TRUMP PLAYS REQUESTED CLUE.” “WHO KILLED MR. BODY? IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW,
UNLESS WE OPEN THAT TINY ENVELOPE! AND WE’VE ALREADY OPENED IT
FIVE, MAYBE SIX TIMES BEFORE.” THEN, THEN TRUMP–
( APPLAUSE ) “CLUE” FANS. BIG FANS OF COLONEL MUSTARD HERE
TONIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN TRUMP SUMMED UP HIS FEELINGS ABOUT THESE
ALLEGATIONS.>>A BIG, FAT CON JOB.>>Stephen: THAT IS A HARSH
ATTACK ON THESE WOMEN, BUT IT WOULD MAKE AN HONEST SLOGAN:
“TRUMP 2020: A BIG FAT CON JOB.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
239. TECHNICALLY, A 239-POUND CON
JOB. ( LAUGHTER )
HE WENT ON TO EXPLAIN THAT, JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, THIS IS
ALL A CONSPIRACY AGAINST HIM.>>I THINK WHEN YOU REALLY LOOK
AT IT ALL, IT’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANY OF THE DEMOCRATS’
MINDS. THEY’RE OBSTRUCTIONISTS. AND THEY GO INTO A ROOM, AND I
GUARANTEE YOU THEY LAUGH LIKE HELL AT WHAT THEY PULLED OFF ON
YOU AND ON THE PUBLIC. THEY LAUGH LIKE HELL.>>Stephen: “THEY LAUGH LIKE
HELL… NOT AS LOUD AS THE U.N. LAUGHED AT ME, BUT STILL, PRETTY
LOUD. HELLO. IS THIS ON? HELLO.” ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) AND WHEN FAKE NEWS CNN’S JIM
ACOSTA GOT A CHANCE TO ASK A QUESTION, HE MADE A SUGGESTION
TO THE PRESIDENT.>>IF YOU DON’T MIND, AFTER I’M
FINISHED, IF WEIJIA OR HALLIE OR VIVIAN, OR ONE OF OUR FEMALE
COLLEAGUES COULD GO AFTER ME, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. MR. PRESIDENT, JUST TO FOLLOW UP
ON THESE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST BRETT KAVANAUGH–
>>WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY THAT? EXPLAIN. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?>>I THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT IF
A FEMALE–>>NO, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?>>IT’D BE GREAT IF A FEMALE
REPORTER COULD ASK A QUESTION ABOUT THIS ISSUE. SO IF YOU DON’T MIND.>>I WOULDN’T MIND THAT AT ALL. WOULDN’T MIND AT ALL. WOULDN’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO
ME. GO AHEAD.>>Stephen (AS TRUMP): “MAN,
WOMAN, ANIMAL, DOESN’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO ME. I WILL ANSWER ALL YOUR QUESTIONS
IN A BONE-CHILLING RAMBLE.” ( LAUGHTER )
THAT BEING SAID, KIND OF A DIC QUESTION, JIM ACOSTA. WE GET IT. YOU’RE WOKE. THEN THE PRESIDENT WARNED
AMERICA THAT #METOO IS AN INSATIABLE CARNIVOROUS BEAST
THAT IS COMING FOR EVERYONE.>>PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE
SCARED, BECAUSE WE COULD SAY IT ABOUT YOU– 35 YEARS AGO YOU–
AND YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. WHAT IS GOING ON? YOU KNOW, IT CAN HAPPEN THE
OTHER WAY. ALLEGATIONS CAN GO THE OTHER
WAY, ALSO. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT. I COULD PICK A WOMAN, AND SHE
COULD HAVE CHARGES MADE FROM MANY YEARS AGO, ALSO.>>Stephen (AS TRUMP): “I MEAN,
REALLY, AT THIS POINT, PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE I KNOW HAS CHARGES
AGAINST THEM.” ( LAUGHTER )
“SO, YOU KNOW. ARE YOU A COP? YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU’RE A
COP.” ( APPLAUSE )
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE KAVANAUGH HEARING TOMORROW,
TRUMP WANTS YOU TO KNOW HE’LL BE ALL OVER IT.>>I’M GONNA BE WATCHING,
YOU KNOW, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.>>Stephen: SIR, IT IS HARD TO
BELIEVE YOU DO ANYTHING BUT WATCH TV. AND– AND–
( APPLAUSE ) AND HE PUT THIS HEARING IN
HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE.>>LOOK, IF WE BROUGHT
GEORGE WASHINGTON HERE, AND WE SAID, “WE HAVE GEORGE
WASHINGTON,” THE DEMOCRATS WOULD VOTE AGAINST HIM, JUST SO YOU
UNDERSTAND. AND HE MAY HAVE HAD A BAD PAST,
WHO KNOWS? YOU KNOW. HE MAY HAVE HAD HAD SOME, I
THINK, ACCUSATIONS MADE. DIDN’T HE HAVE A COUPLE THINGS
IN HIS PAST?>>Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, A
COUPLE OF THINGS, A COUPLE OF THINGS. THAT CHERRY TREE. THE FAKE TEETH. AND OH, YEAH. HE OWNED SLAVES. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP KNOWS WHAT THESE WOMEN WERE GOING THROUGH.>>IT DOESN’T MEAN THEY HAD TO
REPORT IT. BECAUSE, IN SOME INSTANCES,
PEOPLE KEEP IT QUIET. IT’S A VERY TOUGH SITUATION FOR
A WOMAN. THERE’S NO QUESTION.>>Stephen (AS TRUMP): “AND I
SHOULD KNOW. I HAVE PUT WOMEN IN THAT
SITUATION A LOT. OKAY. I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.” ( APPLAUSE )
ONE REPORTER TRIED TO GET A LITTLE MORE DETAIL ON HIS PAST
ACCUSATIONS.>>HOW HAVE YOUR PERSONAL
EXPERIENCES BEING ACCUSED BY MORE THAN A DOZEN WOMEN–
>>I’VE BEEN ACCUSED. FALSE ACCUSATIONS. EXCUSE MY, EXCUSE ME.>>Stephen (AS TRUMP): “EXCUSE
ME. EXCUSE ME. SHUT UP, REPORTER LADY. I’M TRYING TO TELL THESE PEOPLE
HOW WOMEN DESERVE TO BE HEARD. EXCUSE ME. NO, ZIP IT. STOP. ”
( APPLAUSE ) BUT THEN HE SEAMLESSLY BROUGHT
IT ALL BACK TO INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS.>>WE WERE DEALING AT A VERY
HIGH LEVEL WITH JAPAN. AND I WAS SAYING THINGS THAT
NOBODY IN THE ROOM EVEN UNDERSTOOD.>>Stephen: FINALLY, FINALLY–
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FINALLY, HE SAID SOMETHING TRUE! ( LAUGHTER )
ANYWAY, THE PRESS CONFERENCE IS STILL GOING ON? JUST ENDED. IT JUST ENDED. I WALKED AWAY WHILE HE WAS STILL
ON THE TV. AND I ENCOURAGE YOU TO GO WATCH
IT. WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE. AND I CAN’T CONVEY TO YOU THE
SHAMBLING MESS THAT ASSURED NO ONE WHO IS GOING TO SEE IT. BUT THEY’RE GOING AHEAD WITH THE
HEARING TOMORROW WITH ONLY ONE OF THE ACCUSERS, RIGHT? ONE OF THE ACCUSERS. NO WITNESSES, AND A VOTE AT 9:30
THE NEXT DAY. NOW, I AM NOT NORMALLY IN THE
BUSINESS OF GIVING REPUBLICAN SENATORS ADVICE, BUT,
GENTLEMAN– AND I USE THAT TERM INACCURATELY–
( LAUGHTER ) YOU NEED TO CALL FOR AN F.B.I. INVESTIGATION NOW AND GET TO THE
TRUTH OF ALL THESE DARK ALLEGATIONS–
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T, THERE ARE
NOT ENOUGH MOTHS IN THE WORLD TO DRINK YOUR TEARS ON NOVEMBER 6. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. CANDICE BERGEN IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, DONUTS!

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