Marianne Williamson Wants to Attack Trump’s Third Eye

-Let’s get to the news. After falsely
claiming on Twitter that Alabama was in danger
from Hurricane Dorian, President Trump today
appeared to show reporters a map of the hurricane’s
projected path that had been altered using
a Sharpie to include Alabama. Look at this. I mean, after this, I have to wonder if his high
school report card was legit. [ Laughter ] Following criticism
that he opted to stay at a Trump property in Ireland 200 miles away
from his meetings in Dublin, Vice President Mike Pence
today changed his story to claim that the travel
arrangements were made to keep him close to his
family’s ancestral homeland. which is weird because I thought
this was his ancestral homeland. [ Laughter ] Vice President Mike Pence
visited Iceland today. Said Betsy DeVos,
“It’s pronounced ‘island.'” [ Laughter ] TheNew York Times
has published a new profile on Democratic presidential
hopeful Marianne Williamson in which she says she wants to attack President Trump
in his third eye. Yelled Trump, “Not my butthole!” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Thank you for clapping. [ Laughter ] New York mayor Bill de Blasio said in a new interview
that if he cannot qualify for the October debates
it will be, “really tough to remain
in the presidential race.” Oh, no, you’re not
coming back to New York. You left us. You’re like a dad
who went to get cigarettes and then 20 years later tries to really come back
with cigarettes. [ Laughter ] “There was a line.” According to a new poll,
former Vice President Joe Biden leads President Trump
by nine points in Wisconsin. And when Trump heard that, he updated
the hurricane map again. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Facebook confirmed yesterday that it is considering
removing likes from its site. Said users, “Then why
am I even having this baby?” [ Laughter ] Costco has begun selling
a 72-pound wheel of cheese… …explained a man
to his plumber. [ Laughter ] Six Flags in New Jersey
will soon be home to the world’s tallest and fastest
single-rail roller coaster, though New Jersey’s fastest fall
still belongs to Chris Christie. [ Laughter and applause ] And, finally, today was National
Newspaper Carrier Day. I bought mine a card and threw it into the bushes
in front of his house.

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